Com.mode

The “com” in “dot.com” became the operative first syllable in “commode” last week, as the U.S. tech equities sector slid into the financial toilet.

Meanwhile, I’m hearing a few riches to rags stories about dot.com zillionaires who blew their paper riches on mansions, fast boats, and silicon breasted blondes, the latter being the silicone valley of choice in America.

Then, so the story goes, the market tanked, and these nouveau riche became mere nouveau pauvre with really bad haircuts.

Somehow, the nation hasn’t been exactly thundering with sympathy for these guys, of course.

Here in Saipan, we dodged this bullet. I know of no cyber-magnates here. And, to our credit, even the rich playboys have the sense to choose lithe Asian beauties for on the arm value, instead of plastically enhanced, re-engineered, and re-manufactured blonde bimbos.

As for the silicone bimbos, I’ve seen these Frankenstein women in California, and, believe me, you want no part of them (such parts are probably secured by financial liens and dubious warranties, anyway. You’d need to do a very thorough title search).

So, rest assured guys, that even if Saipan has dealt you a bad financial hand, you’ve probably got a better looking girlfriend than the newly fallen dot.com supergeeks. So, send off a brace of Christmas cards with a nice photo of you and the old lady to random addresses in the Silicon Valley. Show ‘em who is really boss in this world.

Don’t worry if one of your zories has gone flat, your Rudy’s tee shirt has worn out, your 1982 Subaru just blew a head gasket, and the Dial Rent to Own lady is knocking on your door to repossess your pacemaker. Take pride in your poverty. Hitch your philosophy to those Corona beer TV commercials that feature the triumph of lazy beaches over the grim realities of the urban bustle.

Read some Thoreau, and chill out…although you’ll have to order from Amazon.com because some cretin at Bestseller books here insists that Walden is no longer in print.

But will Amazon.com still be in business? Maybe its executives will have plunged, lemming-like, off of some jagged California cliff along the northwestern coast. If the fall don’t kill ya’, the water surely will: California’s ocean water is cold enough to freeze the extremities off a brass monkey.

But forget brass, it’s too high-falutin’ for us. Expensive to invest in, and requires constant maintenance. We’re more for vinyl veneer and driftwood. It doesn’t last long, but it doesn’t need polishing and we can spend more time at the beach. Maybe some of the fallen angels of the dot.com world will come out and join us for a green flash and a cold brew…if, that is, they can afford the air fare.

Stephens is an economist with Stephens Corporation, a professional organization in the NMI. His column appears three times a week: Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Mr. Stephens can be contacted via the following e-mail address: ed4Saipan@yahoo.com.