Bad writing saved by stellar acting, in Hide & Seek

For those who might envy my position as film critic, let me fill you in on what my job entails. I sit alone, in near-empty theaters, looking for ways to pick apart movies that I usually have no interest in watching, all the while eating an unreasonable amount of popcorn. I tell you one thing – those self-serve butter dispensers that have been popping up around the nation are going to be the death of me. I might as well eat butter soup.

And my social life? Nothing says “cool” more than “film critic”. Right. I’ll bet tuba players see more action. But I didn’t start writing reviews because I thought the ladies might dig it. I do this because I love movies.

Ironically, after half a year on the job, it’s becoming clear to me why so many film critics actually seem to despise movies. It’s because when you watch so many of them they all start to look the same. If it weren’t for the diamonds in the rough (like Ray, available on DVD tomorrow), I think most film critics would be looking for new jobs.

With Hide & Seek, an unoriginal and unconvincing mystery/thriller, newcomer screenwriter Barry Josephson adds to the long list of recent screenwriters trying to impersonate M. Night Shyamalan (Sixth Sense, Signs, The Village). Unless you’re new to the multiplex, you’ve already seen this movie a hundred times.

In Hide & Seek, Robert DeNiro and Dakota Fanning (Uptown Girls, Man on Fire) star as father and daughter, David and Emily Calloway. When Mrs. Calloway kills herself, Mr. Calloway decides it’d be good for his daughter for them to move to a creepy house, in the middle of the creepy woods, in creepy upstate New York. Things really get creepy when Emily tells dad about her new friend, “Charlie”, a character with clearly malevolent intentions.

The mystery aspect of Hide & Seek is that we’re supposed to try and figure out who “Charlie” is. Is he Emily’s imaginary friend? Is he a real person? If he is a real person, then who? The neighbor? The landlord? Or is he just a really mean ghost?

I think the premise of the movie is interesting enough, and could’ve been better, in the hands of a more skilled screenwriter, but the way it plays itself out in Hide & Seek, I doubt there’ll be many audience members sold on the thing. I can honestly say that I had “Charlie” pinned in the first 10 minutes of the movie, and I’m guessing that most viewers will have one of two reactions. You’ll either figure it out way too early, like I did (perhaps an indication that you watch entirely too many movies), or you’ll feel like The Big Twist came so far from left field that it’s just kinda silly. Either way, the pieces of the puzzle never completely fit together.

If Hide & Seek is so bad, then how come I’m not giving it an “F”? Because the movie, as a whole, isn’t excruciatingly horrible – only the screenplay is. Director John Polson (Swimfan) is able to create a little tension, here and there (though he’s no Shyamalan), and John Ottman’s (X2, Gothika) original score is sufficiently spooky when it needs to be. More than anything else, this movie belongs to the actors.

Even with a bad script, DeNiro seems incapable of turning in a poor performance. As solid as he is, he’s actually upstaged by 10-year-old Fanning. She’s really a talented young actress, and we should expect to see much more from her in the future. Sadly, based on the tragic lives of every other former child superstar, my psychic intuitions are telling me she’ll be checking into rehab in about six years. Let’s hope she bucks the trend.

Hide & Seek was released in January for good reason – it’s really not the best movie ever made. But if you’re in a movie mood, and intent on heading to the multiplex, you could do much worse.

Hide & Seek; 1:45; R, for horror and violence. Grade: C (Joe Weindl)