Dumb and dumber

Cursed; 1:26; PG-13, for horror, violence, sexual references, nudity, language, and a drug reference; Grade: C-

Man of the House; 1:37; PG-13 for violence, sexual content, crude humor, and drug reference; Grade: F

Dumb, but fun

This weekend, I had to review two new movies, neither of which, I have to be honest, I really looked forward to watching. One of them is worse than I imagined, while the other exceeded my meager expectations. Let’s start with the good one. Err, I mean the least crappy one.

Wes Craven is always sold in movie previews as some kind of genius because he’s the mastermind behind the horror classics Nightmare on Elm St. and Scream. I’ll give him kudos for those two movies, as they’re both very good, but a genius he is not. Craven’s latest creation is Cursed, a movie that poses as a horror film, but is more of a throwback to the monster movies of old.

Cursed doesn’t compare, even slightly, to his two aforementioned masterpieces, as it is basically a B-movie. But, I have to be honest, I kind of enjoyed watching it, and as far as B-movies go, this one isn’t too bad.

Cursed has a few horror elements and clichés implanted within it, but it plays out more as a coming-of-age/action movie, with a werewolf thrown into the mix. While none of the individual parts of Cursed are inspired, the collective whole is something that hasn’t really been done yet, and I appreciate its kinda-sorta originality.

Christina Ricci, who by the way is looking better than ever, is our lead heroine, Ellie, taking care of her younger brother, Jimmy (Jesse Eisenberg), since they lost their parents in some horrific accident, or something. Can’t remember exactly how, to be honest, but details don’t matter in this movie. Although Jimmy is a major nerd, getting punked all around school, and Ellie’s job is stressful, everything seems to be alright. Then they both get bit by a werewolf, and you know what comes next.

Dimension Films, for some reason, is trying to keep secret the fact that this is a werewolf movie. I’m not sure why they decided on this marketing plan, because there’s no secret in this movie, and most of the plot is revealed within the first five minutes. The whole thing is solidified when Jimmy’s loyal dog starts acting funny. Dogs always know when something is wrong. Dogs ALWAYS know when something’s wrong.

There are a couple twists saved for the end of the movie, but they are foreshadowed with a fluorescent, bold permanent marker. Even so, I enjoyed watching the melodrama play out, as it unfolds like an old Rikki Lake or Jerry Springer show.

The horror elements in Cursed are pretty lame. The action is not quite lame, but pretty close to it, with a lot of mediocre CGI animation. It’s kind of fun, though, watching these kids struggle to accept their new powers, and I think the movie would’ve been much better had it stayed on this course.

My particular favorite is the scene in which Jimmy impresses the girl of his dreams by whooping his nemesis on the school wrestling mat in front of a large crowd. Yeah, because no sport draws spectators like wrestling. Except for maybe chess. Chicks dig wrestlers and chess champions.

Horror movies are usually known for terrible acting. But the rule has been bent, if not broken, in Cursed. Ricci, who, by the way, is a major hottie, is very convincing in her strength, and Eisenberg is fun to watch, if not anything else. That’s about it, though. The rest of the cast blows.

Even with all those criticisms, I still kinda like Cursed. It’s got a little tension, and some funny scenes. And I like Ricci, if that wasn’t already painfully obvious by now.

Cursed is rated PG-13, so that it can reach its primary audience of teens. Smart move. Although this movie is aimed primarily at pimple-poppers, you don’t necessarily have to be one to enjoy it, so long as you’re a fan of the genre, and capable of lowering your expectations.

Dumber. No fun at all.

I’m not going to waste my time or the newspapers’ ink on this movie. Columbia Pictures tossed this cow turd around for two years, trying to figure out what to do with it, before they finally dumped it on us, in the ultra-competitive February market.

Tommy Lee Jones plays a sheriff that needs to go undercover to protect the witnesses of a murder. The five witnesses are cheerleaders for the University of Texas. He bunks with them. He learns lessons. They learn lessons. They catch the bad guy. Cedric the Entertainer acts like a fool.

But this steaming pile of excrement is about one thing, and one thing only—gratuitous boob shots. This movie is PG-13, so everyone stays fully clothed, but never in my life have I seen such gratuitous boobage. There might be a few guys out there, who’ve just got their pubes, who think this is a glowing recommendation. Most women are probably offended. Most men are wise enough to know that the invention of the Internet has made this kind of movie entirely unnecessary.

Man of the House is supposed to be a comedy. It’s not even slightly funny. Never. It does, however, have a bunch of nubile young ladies acting unbelievably stupid, wearing almost nothing. If that sounds like something you want to watch, have fun. (Joe Weindl)