From others toward self

Amazing thing, this Internet, isn’t it? Here is a question I received this week from a reader in Iraq.

“I understand that dwelling on the faults of others destroys my relationships with people, whether it’s my family, friends, co-workers or neighbors. It destroys the unity between us, and without unity, I know that peace and security are not possible. I also realize that dwelling on the faults of others makes me unhappy. But what can I do, practically, to not dwell on the faults of others?”

Well, that’s the essence of it, isn’t it? What can I do in real life? Here’s a suggestion. When we dwell on something—anything—we are allowing our attention to focus on a particular pattern of thoughts. If we want to stop dwelling on something, we simply have to shift our attention to another subject. Everyone has faults, and we’ll encounter them with nearly every interaction of the day. It’s a natural tendency to dwell on them. It takes a decision on your part to shift your attention somewhere else. Mentally change the subject.

But what should the new subject be? Where should my attention shift? What should be the new focus for my thoughts?

One of the first places to shift our attention is to our own faults. After all, I really am responsible for only one life, and that’s my own. I only have control over one person, and that’s me. I ran across these few sentences that sum it all up: “Each of us is immeasurably far from being perfect…and the task of perfecting our own life and character is one that requires all our attention, our will-power and energy. If we allow our attention and energy to be taken up in efforts to keep others right and remedy their faults, we are wasting precious time. We are like plowmen, each of whom has his team to manage and his plow to direct, and in order to keep his furrow straight he must keep his eye on his goal and concentrate on his own task. If he looks to this side and that to see how Tom and Harry are getting on and to criticize their plowing, then his own furrow will assuredly become crooked.”

It’s quite tempting to set about correcting Tom and Harry’s plowing. But ironically, in the long run, you’re happier when you shift your focus and your attention away from the faults of others and toward your own. After all, we can each actually do something about our own faults.

Along the same lines, “Whenever you recognize the fault of another, think of yourself. What are my imperfections?—and try to remove them. Do this whenever you are tried by the words and deeds of others. Thus you will grow, become more perfect. You will overcome self, you will not even have time to think of the faults of others.”

Now, I’ll admit, I dread being “tried by the words and deeds of others.” But these ideas give me a new perspective. If I can really work on shifting my attention away from the faults of others, and toward my own, if I can muster up the discipline to do this consistently, to fight against my natural tendency to dwell on the faults of others, then an encounter with the faults of others is an opportunity to improve myself and my character. The key is to shift my attention away from others toward self. In the process become a better person. Their faults are my opportunity to improve.

Chances are that within 15 minutes of finishing this column you’re going to get smacked in the head with someone’s faults. (If you’re reading this in my office, it might be me.) Rub the bump on your head and immediately decide to shift your focus away from their faults toward your own. Don’t get anywhere near “dwelling” on them. View the encounter with the faults of others as an opportunity to shift your attention to your own faults and to improve your own character. After a while, it becomes natural, but it will take a decision on your part, and then effort and discipline. Shift your attention “from others toward self.”

(David Khorram, MD is a board certified ophthalmologist, and director of Marianas Eye Institute. Questions and comments are welcome. Call 235-9090 or email davidkhorram@hotmail.com. Copyright © 2005 David Khorram.)