Effects of domestic violence on children

Domestic violence impacts children in homes of every type: wealthy or poor, black or white (or Chamorro, Filipino, Carolinian, Chinese, Japanese, etc), single parent, couples, or extended family. From the barracks to the biggest mansions—family violence can be anywhere.

What is domestic violence? Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual or homosexual; living together; separated or dating. Some examples of domestic violence or abuse include: hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, and scratching.

In addition, sexual assault, threats of physical harm, withholding money, locking inside the home, and keeping someone from contacting their family and friends are also considered domestic violence. Name-calling, putdowns, stalking, and intimidation are also considered abuse. Even if this abuse is restricted only to the adults in a household, the children can be seriously impacted.

Family violence can lead to physical and mental health problems in children. Some children end up seriously hurt or killed when they are caught in the violence between their parents.

Others have chronic relationship problems because they never learn to trust others. Some children withdraw from friends and family and retreat into their own world. Many blame themselves for the violence and feel helpless or suicidal because they cannot make it stop.

They may believe that violence is normal and never learn more productive problem solving skills. Children who grow up in violent homes are more likely to enter an abusive relationship as adults.

Signs to look for that may indicate that a child lives in a violent home vary from child to child but may include: unexplained injuries, chronic health complaints, poor hygiene or dirty clothing, and withdrawal from friends or peers. Other signs include depression, use of violence to solve conflicts, sleep problems, flashbacks, nightmares, school academic and behavioral problems, and acting overly responsible (i.e. becoming the adult of the family). Younger children may cry frequently, act aggressively, and show regressed behaviors such as bed-wetting or thumb sucking. Older children and teenagers may exhibit violent behavior, engage in stealing and lying, run away, become sexually promiscuous, use drugs and alcohol, or attempt suicide.

What can you do if you feel yourself becoming violent? As adults, we are 100 percent responsible for our own behaviors. Use the following tips to avoid violence in your home.

First, if you are being abused by your partner or someone else, get help. Karidat offers help and information about getting out of your situation. They offer a shelter with supportive services here on Saipan. Other options include calling the police to stop the abuse, or going to a friend or family member’s house with your children.

The Community Guidance Center offers services to assist with anger management and couples counseling.

If you feel like you might become violent with your child, try the following. First, set limits with your child. Have a calm talk about your rules and why they are important. Give specific examples so your child will understand. Reward desired behaviors and implement non-violent consequences for misbehavior. Model self-control with your own calm and non-violent behaviors. If you need help setting limits and developing behaviors strategies at home, try attending the parenting education classes through the Division of Youth Services.

Reduce the stress level in your home. Create a calm environment. Make time to talk to your children about the positive aspects of their time. Encourage them to play outside in order to release their energy. Take an adult “time out” by removing yourself from the situation or room if the stress is overwhelming.

Contact the CGC to find a counselor to help you work through your own stress, parenting, or relationship concerns. Services that are available include: individual counseling, anger management groups (separate groups for men and women), couples counseling, medication evaluation, and psychological testing. CGC can also refer you to the parenting education class offered by DYS. All services are free and confidential.

A final tip: Take care of yourself. Get plenty of exercise and rest. Avoid alcohol and drugs. Develop a hobby and make time for your needs. Find someone you can talk to about your concerns.

If you know of a child that is living in a violent home, call DYS or the police to report your concerns:

– Community Guidance Center, 323-6560

– Department of Youth Services Child Protection, 664-2563

– Karidat Hotline, 234-5100

– Department of Public Safety, 911

– National Child Abuse Hotline, 800-422-4453

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-7233. (PR)