A modest proposal

Every year, the CNMI Beauty Pageant Association feels compelled to host a beauty contest, presumably to select the island’s most attractive young lady for the year.

Every now and then—-very rarely, but once in a while—-a local woman would emerge heads above the rest. She would clearly be a real beauty, worthy of the much coveted Miss CNMI title. Thelma Mafnas, Christine Guerrero, Gloria Propst, Ruby Jean Hamilton, Vicky Tudela, Karah Kirshenheiter and Lucy Ada, to name a few examples, were all worthy contestants in their prime.

Most of the time, however, the roster of contestants leaves much—-or too little—-to be desired. Most of the time we get the uglies—-an entire roster of substandard ‘beauties’ : young women most guys with taste wouldn’t even take a second glance at. Sometimes, it can get pretty darn ugly.

Sometimes you wonder exactly how these rather homely young ladies ever convinced themselves that they could actually compete in a bona fide beauty contest. I mean, didn’t they look in the mirror? Couldn’t they see for themselves that they just didn’t have what it takes to be a model, to compete on the international level? What could have possibly been going through their minds at the time?

Now I know it sounds cruel. At this point, many of you are probably objecting: ‘Charles, how could you ? You mean-spirited, insensitive, heartless old bastard, you.’ But let’s face it. I am just, as usual, being painfully honest with my readers.

In truth, I don’t think I am the cruel culprit. The real culprits are the shameless, self-serving self-esteem peddlers who have somehow managed to pervert (and subvert) the very concept of beauty and influence a naive young woman into making a complete fool of herself before hundreds, possibly millions, of people around the world. ‘Go for
it,’ the pageant organizers probably urge, just to hold their contests. ‘After all, they say, ‘it’s for the experience. It will be a good experience. Trust me.’

Of course, nobody—-except me—-has the guts to question the ‘Emperor’s New Clothes,’ so to speak. No one is painfully honest enough to call a spade a spade in public. It would be rude, disrespectful, untactful. So no one says anything, and hence the farce continues.

But enough is enough. Some of us can’t stand it any longer. To have the Miss CNMI contestant ‘compete’ with the likes of Miss Germany, Miss USA, or Miss Japan. Well, it’s just too much, that’s all. It’s embarrassing to the CNMI.

So here is my modest proposal: change the rules. Import nonresident women whenever we can’t sport a decent local contestant (like a Sonya Pangelinan). Or recruit some of the women at our local nightspots. Let them compete. Unfortunately, most of the time the staff at Stop Light is far better than the entire panorama of Miss CNMI contestants. Not to mention Russian Roulette. Hey, there’s an idea: import Russian beauties from Sakhalin Island! Whatever it takes to win, eh?

Either that, or abolish the contest altogether, whenever the year fails to reap a good crop. It’s just too damn embarrassing sometimes!