CNMI: criminal haven?

The recent CNMI jailbreak should remind all CNMI criminals of just how lucky they are to be in paradise. Although all of the escaped convicts were eventually rounded up, it must have been a truly refreshing adventure for our criminal friends.

For a few days, they tasted freedom. They got the chance to wander about and enjoy our delightful island scenery. The runaway rapists, murderers and child molesters, no doubt, must have had the opportunity to reflect upon their fate–to contemplate their many blessings as convicted CNMI felons.

First of all, it must be awfully reassuring to know that no matter what you do–no matter what heinous and vile crimes you may commit–it’s OK, don’t worry, never fear: You will never ever get the death penalty. Escape and butcher 50 people, rape 100 women, molest 20 kids–hey, it’s OK: the state will never execute you; there is no death penalty, nor will there likely ever be one, so long as the indigenous political power structure remains intact.

Even if you perpetrate the worst crime of all–labor abuse/human rights violations–you will still live. In terms of the death penalty, the CNMI remains a virtual safe haven for the extremely wicked, sick and deranged.

Even infamous serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer would probably still be alive today if he were incarcerated in the CNMI system. Which, of course, naturally brings us to another point–a point worse than death itself: forced sodomy, inmate rape.

As I understand it, the boys in the CNMI penitentiary are pretty cool on that particular subject. To date, there have been no such vile reports–whereas, if a criminal were in a federal or state penitentiary, that criminal could have some serious problems on that issue. He may face countless live replays of a particular scene in the hit movie “Pulp Fiction.”

However, apart from the occasional escapes and the no death penalty or sodomy (presumably) advantages, there are other enticing benefits as well. In the first place, criminals get better treatment in general. As one former CNMI prosecutor (James Norcross) once confirmed, the CNMI is generally much softer on crime than many other US jurisdictions.

If you are a convicted rapist, for example, you just might be able to successfully prevail upon a gubernatorial candidate to plead for leniency on your behalf, particularly if that candidate was once your bowling league partner and a former Supreme Court Justice.

Yep, the CNMI is sure a great place for a convicted felon. Heck, if he is really lucky, he may even get a big, fat government contract.

Federalize CNMI immigration. Never. Federalize CNMI minimum wage. No way! Federalize CNMI law enforcement. Well, maybe…(Just kidding; DPS is great!)