Pop Quiz

1. Just as the US House Republicans wish to post the Ten Commandments in public schools (as opposed to further restricting guns), so too should we post “Thou shall not commit adultery” on every CNMI bar or nightclub (as opposed to criminalizing adultery itself, as Rep. Dino Jones would have it).

2. Advancing sexual protectionism, some married local women have wholeheartedly endorsed the Dino Jones adultery Bill because they are desperately afraid of the foreign competition posed by more attractive nonresident alien women.

3. Congressman Dino Jones has never committed even a single act of adultery in his entire life. The man is a saint.

4. If Congressman Dino Jones’ Adultery and Philandering Control Act passes, about 95 percent of married CNMI men would each be jockeying for positions on the CNMI’s most wanted, public-enemy number one list–including certain members of the Department of Public Safety itself.

5. Because of the inherent superiority of the US Immigration and Naturalization Service, the United States has no illegal alien population today.

Part II. Multiple Choice

1. The reason American media outlets frequently refer to the CNMI as “American soil” is because….
a.) When human rights abuses occur in New York or California, everybody already knows that these jurisdictions are part of the United States of America, so the reference to “American soil” would be quite unnecessary.
b.) The idea that this is “Chamorro soil” is an outright lie.
c.) They want to emphasize “the fact” that they own us.
d.) Both b and c.

2. Applying California Congressman George Miller’s absolutely flawless logic, a New York City police officer recently sodomized and tortured a black Haitian immigrant (a clear-cut human rights violation) because….
a.) The federal minimum wage was not high enough.
b.) US immigration was not properly doing its job.
c.) The US Customs Service failed to detain the immigrant and properly abuse him on suspicion of smuggling controlled substances before finally allowing him to enter the country. (Hence the sodomy episode; the NYPD officer was merely checking for illegal drugs.)
d.) The New York City (sweatshop) garment district made the NYPD officer do it.

3. What’s the fundamental difference between a civil and a human rights violation?
a.) A ‘civil’ violation basically just means that someone is merely being impolite.
b.) ‘Civil’ is a political distinction; ‘human’ is a moral distinction.
c.) If an atrocity occurs in the United States, it is considered a civil rights violation under Title Six of the federal Civil Rights Act of 1964; however, if the atrocity in question occurs outside of the United States, such as in the CNMI (otherwise known as “American soil” when politically expedient), then suddenly we are dealing with a severe “human rights” violation far worse than anything that could possibly occur in the United States.
d.) Both b and c.