A not-so-far-out conspiracy?

Dialing frantically, Mr. North places a call.

“Hello, hello, Al, is that you?”

‘Who is this?”

“It’s me, Al. Your buddy David North.”

“Ah, Dave, I don’t think we ought to be speaking to each other right now. Uh, the evil Republicans might misconstrue it as obstruction of justice.”

“Cut it out, Al. I really have to talk to you. I mean it.”

“Really, Dave, I am not so sure that would be such a great idea at this time.”

“Al, damn it! They found out. They found out about us. The Republicans we were trying so hard to destroy–Tom Delay, Dana Rohrabacher, Dick Armey, Rep. Bilbray, Phil English–they have all found out about us, Al.

“The press keeps calling me every day, and, reportedly guilty as Hell, I have nothing to say.

“Al, what should I do? John Del Rosario at the Saipan Tribune is ridiculing me with statements basically amounting to “Dirty David North Heads South.”

“Sorry, Dave, but I am afraid it is not my problem anymore. I left the Office of Insular Affairs to become a Compact negotiator. You see, they picked me because everyone knows that I am a pretty ‘levelheaded’ kind of guy.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, Al but I am afraid I have some really bad news for you. According to a Washington Times story by Audrey Hudson (“Interior official hit for on-job politics”), as my superior, you knew about my illegal Republican hunting political activities all along. Yes, you knew about it, Al. Don’t you be denying it now!”

“Ah, Dave, could you please refresh my memory? I am afraid that I don’t recall my stint at Interior very much.”

“The secret memo, Al. Remember the secret memo I sent you? Rep. Don Young’s investigating committee reportedly gleaned it from my Interior computer.”

“What secret memo was that, Dave? Are you sure you sent it to me?”

“Al, you, of all people, should be perfectly aware that I, as the Washington Times puts it, “drafted press releases for Democratic candidates, provided derogatory information about Republican members to campaigns and reporters, and wrote letters to the editor for constituents to submit to local newspapers,” as investigators have confirmed.

“We were out to destroy the credibility of the CNMI, AL: to ruin their economy, to strip them of their local democratic self-government, to malign their free market Republican allies, to increase our power-base, advance our left-wing agenda, and support our American labor unions. Don’t you remember, Al? Believe me, you helped out too.

“Didn’t you notice that the media sweatshop charges took on a whole new life the moment our Republican enemies got involved? After all, weren’t we the ones feeding the media with those Republican junket charges.

“Remember when I wrote that nasty letter to the campaign of Christine Kehoe, who lost to Rep. Brian P. Bilbray (R-Calif.) last year, Al? I think I may have showed it to you. It read, in part, as follows: ‘Your opponent is vulnerable to criticism on the grounds of his friendship with the Marianas sweatshops operators, and their allies, THE CROOKS THAT RUN THE CNMI GOVERNMENT [emphasis added].’

“Remember that, Al? Didn’t we have a great laugh at federal taxpayer expense, Al?

“Al?

“Al?

“Are you there, Al?”