Same time next year

The wind blows strong and cold. It is not that time of the year. But it’s really cold. It is even colder outside my room where the air-condition runs 25 hours a day.

I remember reading a newspaper article explaining why the weather is the way it is now although I can no longer recall exactly why. I don’t normally pay attention to freezing weather. In fact, I get a lot more restless when it’s hot.

The only thing that makes me scorn the chill is not having someone to embrace when it starts becoming wintry.

I ask myself why don’t I become used to it. It has been the case since I no longer remember when. My life has been embroidered with whirlwind romances but those were all it took, so far at least. I even left a job on Saipan last year to try to find me a serious relationship back home but I seemed to have not been leading anywhere until I found myself back in the island.

That only means one thing: my efforts to land a commitment in Manila were all in vain. I would be stuck in my room alone on Valentine’s Day, again.

The last time I went out on a Valentine’s Day was in 1995. It was not even a romantic date. There were four of us in a group of young, struggling reporters in Manila. Loveless and, therefore, date-less. After grabbing our paycheck that Wednesday night, all four of us decided to head toward Harrison Plaza, a shopping mall in the bustling Malate district, and treat ourselves in a fine evening in one of the mall’s plush restaurants. I was never out on a February 14 again since then.

This year will be my third Valentine’s Day on Saipan. Needless to say, this is also the third time I should be despising the day. I have always been a non-Valentine believer.

My refusal to acknowledge its value could possibly stem from the fact that I really never knew how it feels celebrating it the way most of the people do.

I am not frigid though. I love my parents, my siblings and my friends. I love my job and I love my laptop computer. But so long have I waited to experience the kind of serious love I had been alienated from for quite some time now.

A friend who had her own share of whirlwind romances and heartaches advised me not to look for love because the more I look for it, she said, the more it becomes elusive. So I gave up, packed my things and went back to Saipan to financially enrich myself with as many greenbacks as I can.

I actually thought of filling my coffers up so I will be able to eventually buy love. Stupid it may seem of me to have ever entertained the idea but I honestly did. Then I realized I have been home to a foolish heart that does not want to fall yet no matter how hard my mind tries to “brainwash” and pressure it.

I know my time will come. It may be a long journey but I know I will eventually get there. In the meantime, I will lock myself alone inside my freezing room while the island blazes because of couples having dinner, friends having fun together, people chatting over the Net, long-distance lovers burning telephone lines.

Solitude will not bother me a bit even when it means being alone on a Valentine’s Day.

On Monday, watching the news or listening to my collection of CDs unaccompanied will not be a big deal as it had been during the last four years. It will not even bother me to see myself doing the same stuff alone same time next year. (ARF)