A letter from Al

Dear Senator Dan:

I want to thank you so much for passing that CNMI federal takeover bill. I was absolutely ecstatic when I first heard about it. Our retired friend David North was thrilled, too. So was George M. in the House. Ferdy was happy as well. It was music to our ears. You did a great job.

Of course, it was sure very nice of the CNMI leadership to let us get away with our lies. They didn’t do much lobbying or public relations work after Governor Froilan C. Tenorio left public office, which was why we were so glad when he was voted out by his own people.

After Froilan left, they didn’t care to spend the necessary money or exert the necessary effort to counter our highly partisan federal takeover agenda. They rolled over and became willing victims.

Take the 902 talks, for instance. Boy, we sure suckered them on those 902 talks, didn’t we? Or perhaps it would be much more accurate to say that they suckered themselves?

Boy, were they ever foolish and naive! Didn’t I tell them that the takeover issue was non-negotiable?

Sure, I did tell them. But they didn’t care. They still wanted to push on with their “reforms.” They instituted a labor moratorium. They passed a three-year alien working limit. They imposed costly health regulations on their non-resident workers. But did any of this “reform” help their cause? Did it diminish our zeal for a federal takeover?

Of course not. That had nothing to do with it. Those were just excuses–mere pretexts on our part. Of course, we had to lie, to distort the real issues. We want greater control. We don’t believe in granting them too much local self-government. We don’t appreciate their free enterprise system. We have to support our friends in the labor unions. Those people in the Northern Marianas were becoming far too arrogant, confident and prosperous for their own good.

Naturally, we couldn’t come right out and disclose our real motives–and, for a moment, we were mortified when the David North disclosures became public. But that’s all water under the bridge. Now we can go on with our angle on labor abuses and so forth.

Remember when I said that their local labor and immigration department basically amounted to organized crime? Well, it’s funny, isn’t it, Senator Dan?

I mean, only last week one of Fidel Castro’s Cuban spies was exposed working for the federal government. His name is Mariano Faget. Yeah, that’s right: his last name is Faget. Kind of queer, isn’t it, Senator Dan?

Anyway, do you know where he was caught? Give up?

Well, he was caught in our very own U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service, where he held a highly sensitive senior post–and where he worked for the last 34 years. INS District Director Bob Wallis says this INS spy case “speaks to the heart of public trust.”

Well, that’s what we want to force upon the CNMI. Maybe we will find Chinese Communist spies working for the INS once we federalize their islands, eh?

Your pal,

Al