Another day in the morally superior nation

There are all sorts of weighty economic issues I’ve got boiling on my front burner, but the Drudge Report had to throw this my way:
Dateline: San Diego. Headline summary: Seven nudists injured in fire-walking ceremony. Author: The Associated Press.

Now, maybe I wouldn’t be in such a hurry to cover this breaking story, except that my colleague Charles Reyes Jr. just scooped me on a story I was sketching out about Bruce Lloyd’s new electronic polling service. This isn’t the first time Mr. Reyes has scooped me and placed good copy on the page before I ever even got mine into my computer.

So this time around I’m going to be faster on the draw, since the nudist fire-walker story is, of course, a compelling one for profound thinkers like me. Okay…more to the point, for quipsters like me.

And here is the story. A bunch of San Diego nudist weirdos turned their tootsies into charcoal when they botched a fire walk at some hare brained ceremony. I’d suggest that next time they belly crawl, combat style, over the hot coals, when they want to have good time with their naked antics.

And antics, they’ve got. They are reported to enjoy group diversions such as naked bocci ball, sky-diving, and line-dancing.

Before visions of ripe, lithe bodies fill your head, keep in mind that most of these weirdos were about five tabs of acid over the line in the 60’s, and never managed to evolve into the modern times. I once flew a helicopter by San Diego’s famous Black’s Beach–a nudie hangout–and the sights were more Elks Lodge than Pi Beta Phi.

The horror. The horror!

After I related my tale of woe to my pals at San Diego’s Montgomery airport, they said that the beach was generally for middle-aged fat weirdos and any of the younger set there, well…don’t drop the soap.

How can mainland Americans give Saipan a bunch of flack when it’s over there, not over here, where things like naked line dancing are part of the social scene? The American Association for Nude Recreation (I’m not making this up, I got this from the AP article at issue here) claims– ready for this?–50,000 members.
That’s not too far less than the entire population of Saipan!

Sorry, America, but when some of your press does a hit job on Garapan’s admittedly spicy night life, I have to admit that Garapan’s scene pales in comparison to the horrifying specter of 50,000 fat, pale, greasy American Homer and Marge Simpsons doing a naked line dance.

Sorry, America, for all the sanctimonious and hypocritical barbs and slams aimed at our fair shores, maybe you ought to hold the mirror up to your own societal face and do one of those phony television 20/20 style “undercover investigations” on your American Association for Nude Recreation. Only after you clean up America’s act over there will you have enough credibility to come over here.