It’s chuckle time

Too often we get bogged with the reality of life and forget to laugh. This morning I have selected several one-liners that a man can use to pick up a woman. Also, here are several responses the woman can use to get rid of the man she has no desire to associate with. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.

Man: I’d like to call you. What’s your number?

Woman: It’s in the phone book.

Man: But I don’t know your name.

Woman: That’s in the phone book too.

Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: I know how to please a woman.

Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.

Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I want to give myself to you.

Woman: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.

Here is a story that I hope none of us will ever experience:

While cruising at thirty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered. A passenger looked out the window. “Good lord!” he screamed. “One of the engines just blew up.”

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine explored on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about.

His words and demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to his or her back. “Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “aren’t those parachutes?” The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?”

“There isn’t,” replied the pilot as the third engine explored. “We’re going to get help.”

How about this one?

“May I take your order” the waiter asked. “Yes, I’m wondering how you prepare your chickens?” The waiter replied,” Nothing special, sir, we just tell them straight out that they are going to die.”

And then there was the exhausted hunter out in the wilds who stumbled into a camp. “Am I glad to see you. I’ve been lost for three days.” The other hunter replied,” Don’t get too excited, friend, I’ve been lost for three weeks.”

Real stories about real job interviews:

“The applicant said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her point average: 2.1.”

“On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of references. He arrived with the resume and— two people.”

When all else fails, try a bit of humor. Have a wonderful day, friend!