Dear Santa

I’ve been a good boy all year. OK, there was that one little bacchanalian bash in the Philippines, but 4am never looked so good. Anyway, it’s time to tender my Christmas wish list.

1. An M79 grenade launcher

There are war clouds looming on the Asian horizon, Santa, and I’m going to write a column about that in the Saipan Tribune early next year. In the meantime, my Last Command post redoubt could use a little more protection from commies, evildoers and terrorist scumbags.

And what better defense tool than my old favorite, the M79?

Yes, Santa, that’s 40 millimeters of high-trajectory, aimed firepower, just the ticket for a flexible yet unobtrusive perimeter defense. I get a testosterone buzz just thinking about it.

Problem is, Santa, not even San Jose market, which has everything known to mankind, carries the M79. It is old, some would say “obsolete.” We had them in the Navy as hand-me-downs from the Marines. The M79 is the essence of elegant simplicity, just a simple, break open, single shot grenade-lobber. Only place you see ‘em anymore is ‘Nam war movies.

I’ve had everything in life I ever wanted that cost less than $100,000…except this.

2. A Lenovo Thinkpad

Recently, the Chinese bought the legendary Thinkpad notebook computer line from IBM. Unlike IBM, Lenovo actually seems interested in selling their products (imagine that!). IBM is just one example; U.S. industry is starting to look like the crusty old English companies of yore, and, yeah, Santa, you guessed it, I’ll be writing about that next year as well, since Saipan’s newspaper readers are going to be looking at serious shifts in the Pacific’s economic power structure.

Anyway, back to my Thinkpad. Santa, a lot of folks in Saipan travel as much as you and I do, and they require portable computer power. Lenovo’s R-series can deliver that for under a thousand bucks now. I have a few notebook computers, but I am so dependent on them that I like spares for my spares. The good folks at Megabyte Computers worked magic during my last computer crash, but I can’t fit their technicians in a suitcase.

So, I’m a screaming-mimi paranoid about computer woes. I want another redundantly redundant computer. Toss one down the chimney, please.

3. A Casio QVR-62 camera, or something like it

Did I mention portable computing power? OK, how about portable photography power? There are a lot of slick little point-and-shoot digital cameras, but the “little” is usually illusory. Most require clunky AC adaptors to recharge the camera’s built-in proprietary battery.

Enough is enough! Tell your elves in the engineering department that I’m sick of lugging AC adaptors all over the danged world. I’m on strike.

The Casio QVR-62 is a dandy doodad, and it gets well over 300 shots from one set of non-rechargeable Energizer Lithium AA batteries. These magic batteries cost about five bucks a pair and are well worth it; but any set of AA batteries will serve in a pinch.

There are probably other cameras that will serve well in this context, too; if so, I’d like to hear about them.

But the bottom line is that those of us who travel heavy and pack light have to be very selective. What good is a small camera if you’re tethered to a doggone AC outlet? Huh?

4. Finally, Santa, you’ll probably overfly Saipan on your way to Guam, like the airlines do, but try to wave anyway, even if it’s late, like, say, four in the morning. My kababayans and I keep odd hours these days. Cheers.

* * *

Other thoughts: If the “darned good” economy left you broke, I intend to highlight some free software that you might find of interest. All my picks are mondo-cool stuff. That’s slated for next week, but, this being journalism and all, I may change, alter, amend, fold, spindle, mutilate, or just ignore this tentative plan on a whim…so, stay tuned.

In the “that ain’t right” department: A stateside reader who manages a large U.S. bookstore reports a rash of shoplifting this season. Most stolen book: the Bible.

(Ed Stephens Jr. is an economist and columnist for the Saipan Tribune. E-mail him at Ed@SaipanEconomist.com.)